Satan's Son: "Mom called in sick today"

My mother and I aren’t exactly what you would say close to each other. Sometimes the rationale behind my love for her becomes confusing as to whether “I love her because I choose to”, or that “I love her because I have to (with her being my mom and all)”.

I’d like to think that she and I have a “love-hate” relationship. And the one factor that determines which mood our relationship is in is “money” (yes, we are such materialistic people…I think I already said this before). Lately though, we have petty arguments over the most superficial things (aside from money, that is).

Never a day or two passes by without us exchanging bitter gestures. Somehow, on my part, she always finds a way to irritate me. I have cursed my mother many times than I have with other people that I hate. I can’t say I haven’t wished her ill because I have, many times (even to the point of wishing she was dead!) and I regret ever doing so…eventually.

I guess the reason why I get flared up by her is because I seem to see myself in her (not as a woman, of course…we all know how that discussion would end up... TILT!!!). She seems to exhibit my weaknesses – the things that I do not like about myself, the things that I am not proud of. Some people hate to see their weaknesses being displayed blatantly by others, and I am no exception to that. There are also others who unconsciously make the lives of those people whom they can see their weaker selves into miserable. I am no exception to that, either.

Yes, I am evil and I take no gratification from that. But I know that I love my mother. The reason behind that love is the one that I’m not so sure about. Yet again, I do not deny the fact that there are times when I hate her. Yes, I hate her but that doesn’t mean I do not feel the same way for my father (do you really wanna explore on that area?). Anyway…

I hate her for her habit of passing the blame on someone (not on something, it’s always on someone and that someone is usually yours truly). Just like when my father and her separated. They (my father was in on this one, as well) blamed me, specifically, for that. And that’s the one thing that I can never forgive them for.

I hate her eccentric yet irrational beliefs (ex.: on broken mirrors and stuff), her claim that she is always the one who’s “inaapi”, her addiction to suertres lotto and her paranoia over making things clean. She never finds satisfaction on the general definition of “clean”…when she says “clean”, it’s something that only she herself can achieve…that is one of the reasons why I never help with the house chores.

• Reason #1: I’m lazy.
• Reason #2: She is never, I repeat NEVER, satisfied with how other people clean things. This is also the reason why we’ve never had a stable maid.

I also hate her bossy attitude. I know that she has the right to be one since she’s a parent and everything but come on! Who in the world likes bossy people??? For some reason, when she’s busy and stressed, she also likes to see other people act that way. I hate it when she calls my name and order me to do things; “Leeeeeeeeep!!!” (supposed to be “Lip” from “Philip”) in a very high-pitched and very annoying manner (if only words were enough to describe how annoying it is).

Most of all, I hate her for being a hypochondriac (a state which I suspect is something that I got from her). She easily gets nervous. Like the time when I coughed out blood. I got scared (naturally) and when I told her, she panicked (which is acceptable) but she panicked to the point of being the one whom we should all be worried about (hello?! I’m the one who coughed out blood here!).

She’s a crazy woman. She’s weak. I hate her for being that way.

Right now she’s sick and she’s in the hospital. We had a fight earlier today (most evil son in the world) and I believe I should be blamed for that (sorry..huhu…if I were a female, I’d be called a bitch)…and I deserve the scratch marks (kulang pa gane..huhu).She’s not allowed to get sick. She’s not supposed to show she’s weak. She let me down because of that (however condescending that may sound). I don’t want to feel that she is in any way vulnerable. Only I am allowed to be that way. Because if she’s weak, then to whom shall I run to for protection?