22 Years & Counting . . .

It just occurred to me that I probably don't want to be involved in a romantic relationship with anyone. Ever. Apart from the fact that it is unimaginable to think of myself as a person who is committed to somebody and synchronizes his personal schedule of activities and cash flow with someone else, I have actually come to realize that solitude is a very very blissful thing.

I know it may come out a bit paradoxical since this is coming from a guy who loves people so much to the point of romanticizing (different from "romancing", okay?) strangers and assuming that everybody is his friend (I'm a f*cking people person); a guy who needs an audience (I'm an attention seeker and  I have daddy issues); a guy who always longs for physical contact for fear of finding out that he is actually nada and to reassure himself that he is present -- the tactility of the person he is currently with evidently seals his doubts about not being anchored right here in the now . . . it appeases his worries of nonexistence and keeps him grounded with the belief that everything is indeed real (I don't buy the whole "as-long-as-you-feel-it-in-your-heart-then-it-exists" crap).

But anyway yes, living alone (for about 3 months now) is probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me. And it's still happening. And I intend to keep it that way (that is, unless I can no longer afford paying all the bills, then that's the time I'd find myself a roommate, but until then allow me this serene seclusion I have sentenced upon myself). It heals. It's therapeutic. It is liberating. I can do whatever I want. I can go out wherever and whenever I decide to without somebody pressuring me to get home before the fun even begins (no offense, ma). I can put my to-be-laundered clothes at whichever part of the house I deem them aesthetically suited (usually on the floor). I can cook and eat whatever "dish" I can muster enough enthusiasm to prepare and swallow. I can have people come over anytime I want them to -- not that I ever do. I actually dislike having visitors. I do not know how to entertain them. I'm detached from that whole worldview that Filipinos are hospitable. It's not that I don't want to entertain visiting friends who have good/bad intentions, I just don't know how to, or sometimes I just don't feel like plastering a domestic smile and try to assume a homey character. I'd rather go visit some other people's house than have them in mine. But anyway, the point is that I have choices. These choices are infinite -- although I maintain that no matter how diverse your options are, their execution depends on the finite contents of your bank account. Let's face it, in this world you're nothing without money. Ask the prostitutes, they know that. No matter how philosophical you get and declare that all material things are immaterial, I say screw you I intend to live. And what is living but perpetually breathing through a life-support of material things? But don't quote me on that. I'm probably wrong. Apparently there are some areas in my anatomy that is autonomous to my brain, i.e. my tongue.

I have been going through 22 years of this lifetime without ever being committed with anybody. I see no reason why I should stop counting. I never want to terminate the joys that the single lifestyle has awarded me just so I could have somebody to call my lover. Barf. It just ties you up; demands too much of your time, not to mention your salary (these are all based on my observations of friends who have partners). And right now, I'm in my selfish season. It would take one heck of a climate change to shift it.

I'm still a social being (I'm currently slowly trying to salvage what's left of my social life), but you can't always be around people or else they'd get on your nerves. This is partly why I'm kind of a little wishy-washy regarding the whole idea of having a roommate. I don't want to end up living with an enemy. That would create too much drama in a too tiny battlefield that makes close encounters seem waaay closer than they supposedly should be. And it's just so easy to get either one killed and either one imprisoned that way. So for that, I say no thanks I'm still sane.