Let's Not Drink to That

I love parties. I love being surrounded by people, especially if they are all good-looking and mostly younger than my age (although them being just the first adjective would suffice). What I don't love are people who ruin the fun -- my fun.

Although it's common party courtesy to take care of a comrade (I chose to use this word to somehow show that I treat drinking/partying as a serious and noble human activity) who has apparently let all the solidarity and excitement take the form of cocaine and ruin how their central nervous system functions. I recently ended up deleting one person from my Facebook friends list out of the sheer horror brought about by his Drunkenstein alter-ego.

That is why I've come up with a few rules that you need to follow when it comes to going drinking with me:

1. Explicitly state your reason for partying beforehand. What is your night's objective? Do you wish to get knocked up by the end of the night? How many tongue-on-tongue actions do wish to accomplish before our worries get warranted? What is your strangers-fondle-my-breasts request quota for the night? At which point should we aggressively grab you from that suspicious-looking stranger who probably has STD and whose loins are wildly throbbing and rubbing against your Tanduay Ice-stained skinny jeans? To avoid miscommunication and to secure friendships, let people know what your goal is. Objective-setting is best done prior to alcohol intake.
2. Never, as much as possible, become a liability. I learned this the hard way (I'm referring to the night I downed too many tequila shots at Fats' place -- she even had to kick me out of her house). Save the liability card for break-ups and some other similarly themed pity party. I'd gladly humor you and even pull your hair up while you vomit on the dance floor if you were having a rough life. But if you weren't, I want you to know that I did not go clubbing just so I could babysit you (unpaid). You should, as much as possible, be able to take care of yourself and hold your own. It would severely damage our friendship if it would come to a point where I'd have to pick you up from the dance floor because you're too drunk to walk and because you feel like recreating Bambi's first attempt at using his limbs.
3. Do not trouble others with your utter lack of self control and with your incompetence to self-regulating your alcohol intake. Know your limit. This is not a drinking contest. The bar we go to doesn't award  medals or trophies for people who despise their livers so much. So just cool it on the drinks. I love drinking a lot and I drink a lot. Don't feel the need to compete with me on that area.
4. Always have an exit strategy. What happens when it's time to go home? How are you going to get home? Or a better question would be, "Whose home are you going to go home to?" It would be best if the answer to that would be anywhere but my place. I don't like having people over, much less bringing them. So have things planned out before you go out and act like a heathen. Don't be one of those drunkards who have no direction in life (after the bar closes at 5am).

Breaking those rules would require an already well-established bond between the two of us. However, it would hurt our friendship a little bit everytime they aren't observed. Remember, I can be a very bad friend when you're drunk (without valid reasons, of course) and extremely stupid.

Cheers! :)